Dear Jane: How Do I Communicate and Have My Sexual Needs Met?

Dear Jane, <– click here to ask me questions and be completely anonymous (if you want to).

My bf has a muuch lower sex drive than me– like once a week. It can be a problem sometimes, but we have a hard time talking about it, and I usually wind up feeling like a sex maniac (I’m an every-other-night gal). Any tips for improving the convo?

I love this question.  I’ve gotten this question, and I’ve heard this “problem”, I’ve also lived it.  It proves that women are sexual beings too.  It proves that not all men just want to hump 24/7.  It proves that you are not alone.  With communication and lube, you can accomplish anything.  (If no one has said that before, it is mine!)

Don’t hint at him all of the time, don’t get snippy, don’t whine, don’t keep nagging that it has been X amount of days = TURN OFFS.

Communicate with him the best way you two communicate.

1.  If he talks about personal deep thoughts and feelings via txt best – then txt him.  If he admits when he is wrong, apologizes, or talks about when he is down at night, then try to talk more at night.  Of course talk face to face, if he is a guy who likes to talk out an issue or idea in person.  One guy I dated couldn’t have deep conversation face to face, so we txted and used bedtime pillow talk because the lights were out.  Another guy usually spoke up on long car trips, we had the best conversations in the car.  A friend of mine’s had a boyfriend who insisted she come over to talk it out face to face when she was perfectly happy to txt it.  The beauty of today, is that there isn’t JUST in person or telephone, you have options!

I don’t really care HOW or WHERE the communication happens – as long as it happens.  Call me, txt me, invite me over, meet up in public, in a bar, in a car… I am the “Sam I Am” of conversation.  HUGE advocate for communication.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to beat a topic to death, but if you have something on your mind (or if I do) — I will NOT just let it fester.

2.  For many men, it is about the chase. Once they have you, sex could become more infrequent because they know you are always ready for sex, and they caught you already; especially if your relationship is going on months and years.  If you haven’t already tried to hold out and not say anything to him about when you’re in the mood for sex, I suggest trying it as an experiment.  He’ll start to wonder what’s up with you, and he’ll start by being nicer – and escalate to getting touchy feely after some time has passed.  There is spoken language, and then there is body language.

It’ll throw him off because YOU aren’t being YOU.

This could be a fun ice breaker – as long as you aren’t using sex as a weapon. If he is “one of those guys” he could be feeling emasculated because you are constantly the aggressor. After he starts to come in for sex more frequently because he is trying to figure you out (you’re going to get many “hey, is there something wrong? are you ok?’s because you’ll be out of the ordinary).  When he is ready to talk about it, make sure you approach him with something like “this is how I feel, you felt weird, and something just wasn’t normal right?”  Is this manipulative? Mean? No, as long as you aren’t mean about it.  You’ve tried to talk to him, and it didn’t seem to work well.  But he’ll understand the actions.

3.  It isn’t your fault. You like sex.  You like having sex with him. There is nothing wrong with you. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

There is also nothing wrong with him.  We constantly put pressure on what sex means, and many use it as an expression of feeling or being”wanted” or “needed”.  If sex is lacking “you don’t want me” and therefore you are “ugly, unlikeable, not sexy” etc.  It is a difficult thought pattern to break.

Also, some people “eat”. Other people “fuck”.  What I mean is we all have different outlets for emotions and states of being.  Where some people eat, or listen to music, go for a run or take a nap — other people fuck when they are bored, hungry, tired, happy, sad, mad, have free time, it’s raining, it is morning, it is late, drinking, sober… stressed out, horny, before school, after work, for no reason at all and you get the point.

Look at what is putting you in the mood, and try to recognize if you’re doing it because of depression, or some other reason that could be you avoiding another “thing” or “feeling” that you have in your life.

4.  I’ve mentioned before that this could be a timing thing. Maybe you’re more randy during certain parts of the day, and you’re missing when he is.  Try waking him up at 4am for morning sex, very early morning is usually prime time for them.

5.  Lastly, I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. When sex is lacking – maybe a part of the relationship completely unrelated to sex is on the rocks.  Are you two 100% awesome other than the sex thing?  Be honest with one another.

Heck, all this hub-bub could be about nothing.  You want sex more, he doesn’t.  Accept it and grow together with some compromise, or move on.