Dear Jane: I’m Not Into Whips & Chains; How Do I Tell Her?

Dear Jane, <– Don’t be shy, ask me anything, you’re completely anonymous!

What’s a nice way of telling a girl that you are not into the whips and chains stuff.

I like this question a lot.  I so often get the reverse of this question that I’m almost tired of answering it.  The reverse, if you’re wondering, are people who ask me how to tell a partner they enjoy rougher sex or play.  They enjoy being kinky and don’t know how to bring it up to their partner.

The easy answer to this question is to talk with them and say you aren’t interested, but how do you say that nicely (as in, not have them feel rejected or give the impression you’re calling them weird) without sounding like a wimp?

Thankfully, since S&M is so mainstream… thanks Rihanna for bringing it up, yet again.  She is only on the long line which includes (but isn’t limited to) Madonna, CSI, Pulp Fiction, Nine Inch Nails, Anne Rice, Nickleback, Secretary, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Rammstein, Christina Aguilera, and even Desperate Housewives.  It isn’t like you don’t know what it is or could entail and if you like it or not.

Kick off the conversation by saying that you don’t find the whips and chains stuff fun.  That you would rather just have intense sex, oral sex, maybe some role playing without the extra props, bells and whistles.  You understand it turns her on, but it doesn’t do much for you, that she is plenty enough.

She might say something like “well, try it for me”. If you’ve never done it before, why not spank her and call her a dirty bad girl for one session to see if it at all excites you on a “doing it” level and not just a “thinking about it” level.

If it doesn’t appeal to you what-so-ever, and you’ve tried it, and it wasn’t your thing, then say so.  Tell her you’ve experienced it, and it just wasn’t for you.  It was interesting, but it didn’t excite you the way it does her.

After that, you’ll have to find some middle ground in the relationship and see if you’re sexually compatible and if it’ll affect the rest of your relationship.  When a person truly needs something in their life, it is difficult for them to not get it.

This is on every level.  If you’re allergic to coconut, she’ll want more coconut in her life.  If she is allergic to cats, and everyone you know has a cat, you’ll really want a cat.  If she really needs whips and chains in her life, you’ll have to work something out or it wont work in the long run.

Resentment builds, someone wont feel satisfied, and on it goes.  I don’t “doom” relationships ever, but sex compatibility is often a toughy to work with.  Do you let her play with people who do in hopes she is an Ethical Slut and will stay with you? Do you break up? Do you find compromise in some of the Slap & Tickle practices that involve whips and chains?

It is entirely up to your comfort level and how invested you are with a partner.